Should I Sacrifice My Dreams For My Family?

College, Career Decisions, and Filipino Cultural Norms

Photo by youssef naddam on Unsplash

Should I sacrifice my dreams for my family?

I had this thought when I was deciding on my career path after college.

(Just to clarify, I’m only 23 years old and by family, I mean my parents and siblings.)

I want to start earning money already so that I can be financially independent and give back to my family.

But if I pursue my dream of being a content creator, it will take long before I earn a steady income, and until then, I'll be relying on my parents to provide for my basic needs.

Should I give up on this dream and just get a job for the monthly paycheck?

I don't have any student debt to pay, but in our culture, we do have something called “debt of gratitude.”

Filipino Concept of Utang na Loob

I'm a Filipino and we have a family-oriented and collectivist culture.

I know that in some countries, you are already expected to be independent by the age of 18 and it’s common to get a student loan for university.

But in the Philippines, our parents typically pay for our tuition fees until college, some even until post-graduate school, depending on the family’s financial circumstances.

It's normal for us to live with our family as young adults. We only usually move out if our school or workplace is far from home, or if we're getting married and starting our own family.

As children, we want to give back to our parents for raising us and providing for our needs. We help out with household chores and once we start earning money, we help by shouldering some of the family expenses. We know it’s not easy for our parents because they’re not only taking care of us but also our grandparents.

We’re grateful for all the sacrifices that our parents have made for us. When we grow up, we want to be able to support them and let them retire and enjoy their life too. Just like how they took care of us when we were young, now it’s our turn to take care of them in their old age.

If you’re familiar with the P-Pop group SB19, this is the core message of their song, Mapa. You can watch the official lyric video here (turn on CC for the translation).

The word mapa is creatively used here with 3 different meanings:

1. Mapa is the Filipino word for ‘map’

2. It’s used in this song as a reference to our parents, Mama and Papa

3. The lyrics also include metaphors for mata (eyes) and paa (feet)

Dahil ikaw ang aking mata sa tuwing mundo'y nag-iiba
(Because you are my eyes every time the world is changing)

Dahil ikaw ang aking paa sa tuwing ako'y gagapang na
(Because you are my feet whenever I’m already crawling on my hands and knees)

The song portrays the idea that our parents help us gain clarity and perspective (eyes), give us the strength to move forward (feet), and give us direction in this world full of uncertainties (map).

It’s a beautiful song that tugs at our heartstrings, and it really hits different when we hear it in our own language. When we dream, we not only think about ourselves but also our family.

The last line perfectly captures the Filipino sentiment of wanting to give back to our parents for all the sacrifices they’ve made for us:

Ma, Pa, pahinga muna. Ako na.
(Ma, Pa, you can rest now. Leave it to me.)

In our culture, this idea of indebtedness and reciprocity is known as utang na loob.
Utang means ‘debt’, and loob means inside—in this case, it refers to our ‘inner self.’

We have this inner sense of indebtedness or desire to reciprocate generosity from others so this phrase can be translated as “debt of gratitude.”

That being said, it's not only an inner sense within an individual but also a cultural expectation.

If you don't give back, you will likely be judged as an ingrate. “Wala kang utang na loob!” (You have no sense of gratitude!) is not just a dramatic line we hear in movies and television but also in real life. It's shameful to hear such words and just the thought of this accusation makes us feel bad.

The Problem with Utang na Loob

I think utang na loob is good in the sense that it teaches us to be grateful and to give back, but it becomes a problem when we see it as an obligation to fulfill rather than an act of generosity.

In that case, you become a people-pleaser.

You think you are selflessly doing this for others but you're not. You're doing this because you are expecting something in return—whether that's approval, love, or favor. Whatever it is, you’ll feel resentful when you don't get it. You will nag, shame, guilt-trip, and label the other person as an ingrate because, in the first place, you didn't do this for them; you did it for yourself.

You mask your selfish motives as “sacrifice” but in reality, it's a debt that you expect them to pay with interest.

Am I doing this out of love or obligation?

Love is a generous and selfless act.
You give not because you expect something in return, but because you just want to. You do it not out of force or obligation, but free will.

So I asked myself:

If I choose to let go of my dream, get a job, and earn money to give back to my family, am I really doing it out of love, or am I just doing it out of a sense of obligation?

Will I be happy in my job and find meaning in it because I’m doing this for my family? Or will I be stressed and burnt out every day and let out my frustrations when I get home?

30 years from now, will I be proud of my decision or will I be resentful and blame others because I didn't get to live my dream?

That's how I realized that my idea of sacrificing my dream for my family was not purely out of love and generosity.

I was feeling a sense of obligation.

I was scared of being judged as an ungrateful and unfilial child.
I was scared of being seen as a selfish person.

Is it selfish to pursue your dream?

I’m passionate about content creation and I feel like this is really my calling in life. I’m not doing this just for the sake of money, but because I feel a sense of purpose and meaning in it. I want to do this full-time even if that means I won’t earn an income yet at the start.

I can take a part-time job to make some money, but I honestly don’t have a lot of energy for that and I don’t think I can give my best to either one if I juggle between work and content creation. I also want to have the energy to help out with household chores, spend time with my family, and have time for my own hobbies.

So I decided that I want to be a full-time creator and go all-in on this career. My mom supports my decision and says that I don’t need to feel pressured about earning money yet.

I’m grateful but sometimes I still can’t help but feel bad because I know a lot of other people are working hard at their job while also making time for their side hustle.

I compare myself to them and feel guilty for having this unfair advantage.

I know it’s a privilege that I don’t have to worry about money and that my parents are providing for my needs.

I feel bad about it and I’m scared of other people judging me, that’s why I felt that it wasn’t okay to embrace my freedom.

The freedom to pursue my dream was right in front of me, and I almost let it slip away because of all my fears and limiting beliefs.

But I didn’t want to let that happen.

I embraced my freedom and chose my dream.
Because if I don’t do it, who will?

It’s selfish to just keep on worrying about what other people would say about me instead of thinking of the people who need my help and serving them.

It’s selfish to play small to defend my ego and not fulfill the unique mission in life that God has given me.

There is only one me and there will never be another me in this universe.
If I don’t do my mission in life, who will?

“There has never been and never will be another you.
You have a purpose—a very special gift that only you can bring to the world.”
— Marie Forleo

I’m grateful that my mom understands and supports me in my dream 🥺

It made me realize that if I ever have kids in the future, I also don’t want them to sacrifice their dreams and settle for a job they don’t like just because they feel obligated to give back.

When I become successful in this career, I’ll give back to my family not out of shame and obligation, but out of gratitude and love. 🙏🏻

When that time comes, I’ll be able to say from the bottom of my heart,
“Mama, Papa, salamat po sa lahat. Pwede na po kayong magpahinga. Ako na’ng bahala.”
(Mama, Papa, thank you for everything. You can rest now. Leave it to me.) 🥺💖

— Alea

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